Chistes en inglés / Jokes in English.
1. What did 20 do when it was hungry?
Twenty-eight.
2. How do you have a party in space?
You plan it.
3. What does a lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
4. What do you call a shoe made of a banana?
A slipper.
5. What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?
A shoe.
6. What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can’t opener.
7. Finally found out what is wrong with your brain.
—What’s wrong?
—On the left side there is nothing right. On the right side there is nothing left.
—What?
8. Do you think twice before you drink?
No. I drink twice before I think.
9. I went to the bookshop today and asked if they had any books about turtles.
They said «hardbacks». I said «yes, with little heads.»
10. Just when you thought food couldn’t make a phone call.
Boom. Onion rings.
11. I asked the German girl for her number.
I’m currently waiting for the rest. So far all I have is nine.
12. What has five toes but isn’t your foot?
My foot.
13. What did the carpenter say when he finished building his house?
Nailed it.
14. I called up the hospital and said, «Help! My wife is going into labor.»
The nurse asked, «Is this her first child?» I said, «No, I’m her husband.»
15. Our local auctioneer passed away.
I heard he was seventy, seventy-five, eighty, eighty-five, going once, going twice.
16. I went on a date with a girl to a restaurant and she asked, «So what do you do?»
I said, «Well, you read the menu, say what you want, and they will bring food.»
17. Dude, when we yawn, do deaf people think we’re screaming?
18. If you’re waiting for the waiter, aren’t you the waiter?
19. Why aren’t iPhone chargers just called Apple Juice?
20. Bro, if you work as security at a Samsung store, does that make you Guardian of the Galaxy?
21. Why does ten plus ten equal eleven plus eleven?
Because 10 plus 10 is 20 and 11 plus 11 is 22.
22. What do you call a man without a body and a nose?
Nobody knows.
23. What do you call a cute door?
A-door-able.
24. What do you call a man with a rubber toe who has lost his car?
Roberto Carlos.
25. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
26. What’s ET short for?
Cos he’s only got small legs.
27. I’m going to ask you a question but your answer must be quick.
—Alright, shoot.
—What is 23 times 47?
—Quick!
28. Knock, knock.
—Who’s there?
—Hawaii.
—Hawaii, who?
—I’m good, how are you?
29. Did you know that if you spell SOCKS really fast, it sounds like you’re speaking in Spanish?
—Socks?
—Yes, SOCKS.
—Here I go… S-O-C-K-S… Yes!
30. —See you later, alligator.
—In a while, crocodile.
—Bye bye, butterfly.
—See you soon, raccoon.
—Take care, polar bear.
—Be sweet, parakeet.
—Toodle-loo, kangaroo.
—Out the door, dinosaur.
—Hit the road, toad.
—See you then, penguin.
—Gotta go, buffalo.
—Okay bye.
—Bye.
31. What’s faster than a calculator?
A CalcuNow!
32. Women will say all I need from you is care, attention, support and honesty.
Now put all the first letters together.
33. How do you get four elephants in a mini?
—Two in the front, two in the back.
—How do you know when there’s eight elephants in the church?
—Two minis parked outside.
34. You know this, but me love you so much.
—Is that you talking or the whiskey?
—It’s me… talking to the whiskey.
35. Honey, who’s stronger, a man or a woman?
—Well, of course a woman.
—Why would you say that?
—Because it takes six men to carry a man to his grave, and only one woman to put him there.
36. Rasta, I think you should ease up on the drinking. It’s too much.
—I’m not a scientist, but I know that alcohol is a solution.
37. Rasta, how would you describe me?
—A B C D E F G H I J K.
—What does that mean?
—Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.
—Oh, thank you.
—Yeah. But what about J K?
—Just kidding.
38. Mental Health Hotline
Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
—If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
—If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
—If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
—If you are paranoid: we know who you are and what you want — stay on the line, we’ll trace your call.
—If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
—If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
—If you are depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press — no one will answer.
39. Changing My Password
—Change your password.
—potato.
—Sorry, password must be eight letters.
—boiled potato.
—Sorry, password must contain at least one number.
—1 boiled potato.
—Sorry, password cannot contain spaces.
—50boiledpotatoes.
—Sorry, password must contain capital letters.
—50BIGboiledpotatoes.
—Sorry, capital letters cannot be consecutive.
—IwillShove50BigBoiledPotatoesUpYourNose.
—Sorry, you cannot change your password to a previous password.
40. Zoo Min
The Chinese man who invented the camera lens has passed away. Rest in peace, Zoo Min.
41. Data
—What does the baby computer call his father?
—Data.
42. Riddle
I’m black when you buy me, red when you use me, and when I turn white you know it’s time to throw me away. What am I?
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